Excerpts from “My Escape from Earth” written by an Alien Hominid

By Dan Zuccarelli . March 7, 2007 . 1:14pm


Hi there, I’m an Alien. I can’t talk long, pretty soon the FBI is going to realize I’m not dead yet. Which in and of itself is a damn miracle, what with the horrific crash landing I just went through. But luckily for me the FBI didn’t bother to check my pulse, or disarm me for that matter. Amateurs.


But now all I want is to find my ship and get off this rock. Now it’s payback time. I’ll make my way past FBI agents, KGB goons and through Area 51 itself, whatever it takes to get my ship. Let’s do this!


As I make my way through Anytown USA, being pursued by what can only be described as "dumb" FBI agents, I start to wonder how I got into this mess. One minute I’m four parsecs into the Kessel Run and the next I’m being shot down on some tiny planet out in the middle of nowhere. This hasn’t been a good week. Back to the dumb agents.


ss01.jpgSadly what they lack in brain power they make up for in sheer number, and boy do they keep coming. Powering up my lowly blaster I make my way across the landscape, jumping in the occasional vehicle and blowing up a few random buildings along the way just to let them know I’m serious.


Huge robots and vehicles stand in my way, and they’re not even remotely easy to defeat. Luckily I have numerous lives and continues on my side, otherwise this little quest of mine would be over damn fast.


Not to mention the numerous gun upgrades that fat kid with the ice cream cone handed me. Fire, Ice, Toxins, triple shots, lasers… the kid’s got it all! I think I’ll let him live.


ss02.jpgFrom the man behind the curtain: (me the player)


The game’s been done on numerous systems (from web browses to PS2) but it looks and plays great on XBLA. The addition on online mutiplayer makes it pretty much a must for games of the genre. Even if you’ve played it before, it’s worth getting again. If you’ve never played it, you’re missing out. But I’m not kidding when I said it wasn’t remotely easy above, this game is damned hard.


The "one bullet kills you" theory of game design is certainly for the hardcore gamer. No margin of error means it’s incredibly difficult to just pick up and play, which is a shame because I think more people would enjoy the game if they skewed that a bit. As it stands, it’s twitch gaming at it’s finest.

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    This game pisses me off every time I play it.

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