Five Incredibly Kitchy Virtual Console Games

By Geoffrey . December 10, 2007 . 10:10am

Anybody who says that old games are better than new games has a selective memory. Sure, Super Mario Bros. 3 is better than Mario Sunshine, but remember Mario Is Missing, Mario Teaches Typing and just about all the Yoshi games? Let's face it: a lot of old games were very lame.

Thanks to the Wii's Virtual Console, we can now replay some of the greatest games ever made. However, pressure to update weekly has forced Nintendo to release hilariously bad games, too. Kitschy games that would otherwise fade from our collective memory are now available to purchase, download and laugh at.

Here are five of the most hilariously terrible games available on the Virtual Console:

Urban Champion

It's 1986. You want to have the fun of a slow, drunken bar brawl, but you're too young to drink and hate falling into manholes in real life. You should definitely have purchased Urban Champion for the NES. It's all the fun of a bad Atari game, but with slightly better graphics.

Urban Champion is an early and dumb Nintendo fighting game. With green and purple hair, the leads look like 8-bit versions of indie web comic characters; however, the funniest NPCs to me are the neighbors in the upstairs windows. Sometimes they drop flower pots at you. Other times it's confetti. I wish one of them would drop my 500 Wii points back.

Donkey Kong Jr. Math

Math can be fun, but not when Donkey Kong gets involved!

I don't hate all edutainment games — I have an animation cell from Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego on my wall. However, while traveling to different countries and learning geography is naturally integrated into the Carmen Sandiego games, what does Donkey Kong Junior have to do with math? There are numbers in the middle of the vines? Why? Does the game take place in one of those famous number jungles you keep reading about?

Finally we know what would happen if your boring math class was taught by Donkey Kong. Despite the presence of a barrel throwing ape, it would still be boring.

Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine

There were a lot of Tetris clones in the early nineties, but this one has the distinction of having the most ridiculous name (#2 is Hatris). "Mean Bean Machine?" Really? An executive at Sega was paid actual money to say "Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine" at a meeting without snickering ironically.

Sega has a long history of making bad decisions with Sonic characters and hopefully the Virtual Console will let us replay them all! If Game Gear games become available, we can play Sonic Labyrinth and not be able to jump.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

There's nothing I can say that isn't said in this classic Angry Video Game Nerd video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjUz8IT0CYg

The only good thing about this game is that Donatello fans feel vindicated after playing it. Same thing for pizza fans.

Altered Beast

When this game decided to 'RISE FROM THE GRAVE' on the Virtual Console, it seemed a lot campier than I remembered. Altered Beast takes itself so seriously, and the result is a lot of unintentionally funny elements: cheesy voice acting ("WELCOME TO YOUR DOOM"), a guy in a loin cloth who morphs into animals and a strange set-up. Why doesn't the god guy choose a living hero to save his daughter? Wouldn't that be easier? I guess not?!