Review: Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator Is a Stonks Delight

A made $5,000 betting on a baby because a dog/consultant named Chad Shakespeare gave me a tip that his future had about a 79% chance of being positive. Which was good, as the day before I decided to “short” another infant at the wrong time. That’s what life is like in Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator, a stock market game about betting on the value of a newborn so you can do stuff like buy a kickass boat. It’s pretty great!

There are three campaigns in Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator, each a different length and with a different monetary goal. In every situation, you visit between one and seven different planets to invest in the lives of virtual alien newborns. So in the case of the tutorial campaign, which makes you a success if you manage to make a few thousand dollars, you’re trying to help someone named Pixem buy a boat in four days betting on children from one planet. Each one has multiple “tiers” of money that result in a certain degree of success, and you get a different ending based on how much you earn betting on babies. While Pixem’s campaign is the shortest and easiest, due to limitations and tutorial elements, the second with Mr. Zip It’s is the medium, week-long campaign and a longer one like Wengrave Shup’s 21-day campaign is the most intense. 

Each day in Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator starts the same. You’ll see the planets available to you and what the amount to trade there that day will be. (If you don’t have enough money available, you can also visit the loan shark at this point.) There might also be notices on the planet alerting you to certain conditions, like the values on the kiddos being higher than usual, static occasionally interrupting your view of the board, or maybe consultants charging half of their usual fee. Once you pick a planet, you are presented with a handful of babies. If you don’t hire any consultants for a percentage of your overall “take” for the day, you are going based information like a character portrait, rendering, name, species, and planet. You pick one baby and have the option of also placing side bets.

Now, Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator is fun for many reasons, but the consultant element is when it starts to get interesting. Each individual has a focus and a known degree of accuracy, requires a certain percentage cut for their services, and you can only choose up to three of the four options. Some of these are not only incredibly helpful, but necessary. For example, one gives you an idea of when a baby will die, which is I think the most critical. You know exactly when you need to divest and get out and can tell when things will crash out due to, well, death. Chad Shakespeare, who looks like a Golden Retriever, is another favorite of mine since he’s always right and lets you know how positive a baby’s life will be. Other options can give you an idea of the lowest possible price the baby will hit or about how high it could go. They’re always worth it, in short, and going for at least one feels necessary. 

Once you select your baby for the day, you watch that newborn’s life play out from birth to death. Different events can drive the stock price up or down. For example, protesting a major corporation and perhaps getting roughed up by its guards? That’s going to make the value drop. Get married? price goes up. Family cut them off? Big drop. Helped neighbors out with a donation? Up again. Your goal is to buy and sell as fast as possible, making as much money as possible in the process, while also keeping an eye on the baby’s age and health status in the upper right corner. 

Sound exciting watching a line up up and down on a graph? It’s more fascinating than you’d expect. Especially since the actual events can occasionally be hilarious and everything is so fast-paced that two of the campaigns can be finished in a hour or two. It demands your attention, then presents information in a clear way that isn’t at all distracting or imprecise. (Unless, you know, static occasionally is in effect and temporarily keeps you from watching as a status effect.) The inclusion of being able to “short that baby” by choosing to short and buy during a spike, then sell at a lower time at a lower price, also keeps someone focused. Especially since an additional indicator will pop up clearly telling you how much you’ll gain or lose by going through with the short at that very moment. (And reward you with a message when successful.)

Since Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator is randomized and does have varying tiers of success as “goals” in each campaign, that also helps with replay values. You will see events repeat for the children, of course. And some conditions and effects will come up repeatedly. But this never makes it feel stale. Rather, it helps you learn to adjust for those situations in the future and hopefully capitalize on them. As long as you’re okay with a game where you watch a stock market board with rises and falls repeatedly for a few hours straight, it’ll be entertaining and pique your interest.

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator is an unusual one, but is also a hilarious simulator with a lot of replay value. The campaigns offer situations where you could play for probably under an hour or a few hours betting babies will be huge successes or colossal failures. Everything’s clearly represented and explained. As long as looking at tons of data for hours and dark humor is your thing, you’ll have a good time with Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator.

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator is available for the PC.